Grief for a relationship that's still alive, or that ended

Grief is usually linked with death. But many women feel deep grief over a relationship, whether it has ended, is ending, or is still going but is no longer what it was.

If you are staying, you might grieve the version of your partner you believed in, or the innocence you had about your relationship. If you have left, you might grieve the future you imagined, the family routines, even the hard parts that felt familiar. If you are still deciding, you might be grieving both possible losses at once.

All of these are real losses, and all of them can be grieved.

Grief is not a straight line

You may have heard of stages of grief. Many people find it more accurate to think of grief as waves. Some days are calm. Some days a song, a smell or a date on the calendar knocks you flat. Feeling better and then worse again does not mean you are going backwards.

What grief can look like

• Sadness that arrives without warning
• Anger, sometimes at your partner, sometimes at yourself, sometimes at the world
• Missing someone even when you know it was not good for you
• Longing for the person you thought they were
• Tiredness, trouble focusing or changes in sleep and appetite
• Relief, which can surprise you and bring its own guilt

Grief that others may not see

Sometimes grief is not recognized by people around you. If you chose to leave, people may assume you are only relieved. If you are staying, people may expect you to feel grateful or move on. If the relationship was short or not official, others may not understand how much it mattered.

When grief is not recognized, it can feel lonely. Your grief is valid whether or not others understand it.

Ways to care for yourself while grieving

• Let yourself feel without needing to fix the feeling right away
• Write a letter you will never send, saying everything you could not say
• Create a small ritual to mark the change, like a walk to a meaningful place
• Keep a few routines that give your day shape
• Spend time with people who let you talk without rushing you
• Be patient with anniversaries and holidays, which can bring grief to the surface

When grief needs more support

Grief is a natural response to loss, and for many people it slowly becomes more bearable. If it feels like it is not shifting at all over a long time, if you cannot manage daily life, or if you feel hopeless, it is worth reaching out to a doctor, counsellor or therapist.

If you feel unsafe or are thinking about harming yourself, open the 2 AM page or call 9-8-8 (Canada) or your local emergency number.