Questions to ask yourself before deciding to stay or go

Nobody can tell you whether to stay or leave. Not a friend, not a book, not an app. What can help is asking yourself good questions and giving the answers time to surface.

These questions are not a test and there is no score. Some will feel easy. Some may bring up feelings you did not expect. Skip any that do not fit, and come back to them as often as you like.

About what you feel

• When I picture the next year with this person, what do I feel in my body?
• When I picture the next year without them, what do I feel?
• Am I mostly feeling hurt, or am I also feeling unsafe?
• What am I most afraid of, and is that fear about the relationship or about change itself?

About what you need

• What would I need to see, hear or feel to begin trusting again, if I wanted to?
• Is my partner willing and able to offer any of that?
• What do I need for myself, regardless of what happens between us?
• What would I tell a close friend who described this exact situation to me?

About the relationship before this

• How did I feel in this relationship before the hurt happened?
• Were there things I had been quietly accepting that I no longer want to accept?
• Are there parts of this relationship I truly value and would grieve?
• Do we know how to repair after conflict, or do things usually stay unresolved?

About the practical side

Practical questions are not shallow. Money, housing and children are real parts of your life, and it is wise to understand them.

• Do I know enough about our finances to understand my options?
• If children are involved, what do I want their week to look like, whatever I decide?
• Who can support me practically, whichever way I go?
• Is any part of my choice being driven by fear of how others will judge me?

Noticing your answers

Try writing your answers down rather than just thinking them. Then put them away for a few days and read them again. Notice what stays the same and what changes. Patterns tend to matter more than any single answer.

You may find your answers point clearly in one direction. You may find they are still mixed. Both are honest results. Mixed feelings are very common, and they do not mean you are confused or weak. They often mean you are seeing the whole picture.

Getting support with this

A counsellor or therapist can help you work through these questions without steering you toward an answer. If money or housing questions feel heavy, a family lawyer, mediator or financial professional can explain your options so that fear of the unknown is not making the choice for you.