Talking to children about separation

Of all the conversations around a separation, this is the one many parents dread most. You want to protect your children, tell them the truth, and not make things worse. You also may be hurting a great deal yourself.

There is no perfect script. What tends to matter most is that children feel safe, loved and free from the job of choosing sides.

Before you talk

If it is safe and possible, many families find it helps for both parents to tell the children together, with a simple shared message. If that is not possible, you can still have a calm, caring conversation on your own.

Choose a time when there is room afterward for questions and comfort, rather than right before school or bed.

Keep the message simple

Children generally need to hear a few key things, more than once:

• What is changing, in plain words they can understand
• That this is a grown-up decision and not their fault
• That both parents love them, if that is true and safe to say
• What will stay the same, like school, friends or pets
• What will happen next, as far as you know it

Adjusting for age

Younger children usually need very concrete information. Where will I sleep? Who will take me to school? Will my toys come with me? Short answers and lots of reassurance tend to help.

School-age children may worry about fairness and may wonder if they caused it. They may ask the same questions many times. Patience with repetition is part of the process.

Teenagers often want more honesty and may have strong opinions. They also still need to be protected from adult details, especially about blame, money or the other parent's behaviour.

Keep adult details with adults

Children do not need to know about an affair, legal arguments or financial disputes. Even when you feel angry, try not to criticize the other parent in front of them. Children often experience criticism of a parent as criticism of part of themselves.

Try not to ask children to carry messages, keep secrets, or report on the other household. If you need to vent, a friend, support group or counsellor is a better place for it.

Making room for feelings

Your children may be sad, angry, relieved, quiet or seemingly unbothered. All of these are normal. Some reactions show up weeks later. You can name what you see: 'You seem upset. It is okay to feel that way. I am here.'

If a child seems to be struggling for a long time, talking with their doctor, a school counsellor or a child therapist can help. Kids Help Phone also offers free, confidential support to young people in Canada, any time of day.

If things are not safe

If there are safety concerns for you or your children, the usual advice about telling children together may not apply. Your safety and theirs come first. A local shelter or family violence service can help you plan how and when to talk about changes.